You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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