tell your sister to shave her snatch
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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