three words: i give head
three words: not that well
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
