I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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