Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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