i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
