I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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