Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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