Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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