i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
