Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
