I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's shark week go big or go home
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
