I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
