Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i've created a new STD.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
