I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
