My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
