TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
