I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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