I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
