if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
