Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
