Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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