i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Enjoy the penises
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
