Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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