My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
