There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
