I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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