I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
