her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
