Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
