I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
