Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
