I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
