The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
