All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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