I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
