I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
