I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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