Only a mothe r could love this liver
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
