i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
