So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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