Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
