No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
