I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
