are you still at the devil's house?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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