So drunk its hurt
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
