well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
