I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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