dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
