foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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