I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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